Barista = Douchebag

I occasionally go into starbucks, but only when its empty. I tend to swim with the dunkin donuts and Tim Hortons crowd and every now and then there is a quote unquote Trendy coffee shop filled with wannabe hipsters called something like the "Z room", which is trying to show they are free thinking liberals even though every shop like that is the same. The table and chairs are from a used furniture store.A barista with a liberal arts degree who wont serve you an espresso in a paper cup as it ruins the taste. He gives all his unemployed friends free coffee.Wi Fi for free loaders ,Horrible baked goods from the local gluten free bakery and The menu is written on a chalkboard.

But recently I found myself in a starucks and the asshole behind the counter with his nose ring and badly dyed hair covering half his face thought he was the coolest thing ever . I ordered a large regular coffee, no need for me to look at the menu, it's pretty straight forward. This couterperson looks at me and says "Venti coffee?" Irritation setting in....I say "the biggest size you have" he smirks at me with cockiness and says "so a venti then"...now.... I'm not italian, and I do not speak it, however I know "venti" means 20 as in 20 ounces but if I ordered the rest of my order in italian, they wouldn't know what the fuck I'm saying, so save it!! so I'm not getting smarter by ordering a venti. I say " YA! the biggest size you have". He then responds "hot or iced?" So I tell him hot which I thought was a given, If I wanted a fucking ice coffee I would say give me an large ICE COFFEE! Coffee is a hot drink! Well he wasn't done yet, He then says "venti coffee with room?" And I immediately was picturing tossing this douchebag over the counter and ripping his nose ring out and giving him venti punches in the mouth! I was a bit confused, Room??? so I just said "I want a large coffee....please!". And he says as if I'm a moron with a sigh and a roll of his eyes, "do you want room for cream or milk?" I told him no and with my hands shaking paid him. He said thanks and enjoy your coffee. And I couldn't resist responding "enjoy your studio apartment"

Room?? Like I'm supposed to know this. Just give me a fucking coffee, as strong and as hot as you can get it. Let me worry about the cream shithead. Ordering a regular coffee shouldn't be 5 minute conversation. I'm sorry I'm not trendy enough to know the starbucks lingo, ordering my colombian coffee in Italian at a chain coffee shop!! Ridiculous!! Then I stand there waiting for my coffee and he looks at me with a confused look and says "ahh, is there ahhh, anything else sir?" I say "ya....my coffee??" he chuckles (which makes me feel like throwing a steaming cup full of hot coffee in his face) and says "oh, just go to the end of the counter and the "BARISTA" will serve you. The what?? are you kidding me?? take the GOD DAMN POT AND POOR ME A FUCKING LARGE CUP!! is what I was thinking as I walked to the end of the counter. I get to the end and the "Barista" looks at me as if I'm from Mars and looks slightly affended I didn't ask for foam or sugar or cinnamon vanilla flake or some kind of fancy fucking design. Well excuse me if I actually enjoy the taste of coffee!! This person probably has no idea what good coffee tastes like, and I'm the outsider because I don't feel like paying 8 dollars for my coffee. By now I have lost almost ten minutes of my life which I will never get back. The "Barista" hands me the cup as says "here's your venti sir" I snatch it, and say "do all starbucks servers have to learn Italian?" He replies with conviction "first of all, we're baristas and second of all, that's what they're called, a mcdonald's employee wouldn't call a big mac a whopper would he...it's what makes us unique or different?? I stare at him for a long 10 seconds and say "thanks for clearing that up for me" and turn and walk out with my blood boiling hotter than my coffee.

Unique?? it's coffee for God's sakes! give me a break! Does this asshole truly believe that nowhere else serves what they serve?! I have been to Colombia and have drank some of the best coffee in the world and it was poured into my cup by a chubby sweaty colombian guy named Orlando wearing a white apron and a 20 year old white T shirt and sweat pants! And by the way dick, you work for a chain and publicly held company, way to rage against the machine...poser!

Now let's examine this for a second...what is a Barista? well according to the many definitions I have read it is a for of bartender. It is an italian word for someone who makes and served hot drinks such as espresso and cappucinos. I will certainly not take anything away from a "trained barista" if there is a college or school for this. It can be an art to make these types of coffees especially the way they are meant to be made with old fashioned espresso machines. This being said to call a starbucks coffee maker a Barista must insult a lot of older Italian people who do it the correct way, not by pressing a button on a machine. To call a starbucks employee a "barista" is like calling a mcdonald's cook a chef! Anyone who puts "barista at starbucks" on their resume is basically telling the person reading it that they are in fact a douchebag. To me a "coffee expert" which baristas claim to be, should be able to tell me all about the coffee bean, where it came from, the oils, and how long it was roasted etc. not "we put 5 lbs of the black beans and mix it with 2 lbs of the brown beans and then you have our house blend!" The sizes at starbucks are short, tall, grande (another italian word) and of course the ever popular venti. I'm not even going to tackle why venti is the biggest and grande is actually NOT the Grande-est. The italian references confuse me, Starbucks was founded by jerry baldwin, Zev Siegl and Gordon Bowker in Seattle..I don't think you can get less italian! and this whole, give them your name thing, as if it going to make it a personal experience. I can go in 5 days in a row and those pot smoking underachievers will never remember my name so they can stick that system right up their ass.

Alas, I am just an onlooker, an outsider, I don't know the real satisfaction that comes with being a starbucks barista. Perhaps I will go undercover and discover the magic of coffeemaking starbucks style, It shouldn't be hard to fool them into fitting in. I will grow my hair out and dye it black with blue highlights put a hole in my ear the size of a quarter, get my brow and nose pierced. Have my wallet connected to my belt by chain and wear a black t-shirt over a white turtle neck and trade my car in for a bus pass.....On second thought, maybe I will just go on living my life and not care at all whatsoever....ya I think I like that idea!