Well folks, usually my blog contains a series of my bitching about things that either have happened to me or annoy me. Today will be the same, only this time, I deserved it!
It's hard to be perfect, God knows I'm not, although I am as close as humanly possible! however even I slip up occasionally. I made the grave mistake of trusting my friends. I mean , come on! what kind of idiot does that? Recently I have had a few episodes where I have found myself reverting back to when I was young...er. I am afraid that I am in the midst of a mid life crisis!
A couple weeks back a buddy and I were at a bar visiting another so called friend at his place of work. This douchebag is a bartender, so we are having a few beers and we're having some fun, when another friend walks in spewing some made up story about a house warming party. She mentioned she made some jello shots for said party, but nobody wanted.....a few things wrong with this, one....who brings jello shots to a house warming? maybe a plant, a frame, perhaps a bottle of wine. O ya..and jello shots! second...if these jello shots were broken out at any party, they would have disappeared. Nobody can turn down jello shots in paper shot glasses! I don't care who you are! So I believe she brought them in because she was craving them and made up this elaborate story to make us feel bad and have a few jello shots with her. After the story she asked us if we wanted to try a few. My buddy and I figured, hey, what the hell, we're game. I still wasn't sure these jello shots even existed. We finish our drinks and one at a time we venture outside to the parking lot. She opens her trunk like it's a gun deal in the ghetto, reaches in and pulls out a big tupperware full of jello shots! Badass!! we start slurping away like a bunch of college frathouse kids, one after another we are downing them. In the distance curious onlookers think we are most likely doing drugs of somekind. My buddy shouts out "o man, you gotta try the purple ones, they're really strong!" we all look at each other like junkies fighting for the last fix of heroin. and grab the purple ones that remain. I think we did about 7 each, which is 21 jello shots in about 4 minutes. I wish I could tell you this story was from when I was 18 years old, but unfortunetly it was a couple weeks ago, 13 long years after my 18th birthday! We stroll back into the bar, everyone looking or was it just me and the paranoia was setting in. wait a minute, it was only jello shots! All I could think about was the purple ones, and if there were more of them! ...All of a sudden, this feeling of shame came over me, I was so hard up for a buzz that I went to the parking lot to down some jello shots? yikes...so as the shame crept in and I was crashing from my jello shot high I realized that I may be experiencing a slight midlife crisis. I mean, could it be possible that I was one of the lucky ones, I recognized the crisis as it was starting? All of a sudden I felt compelled to get my ear pierced and get barbwire tatoo around my bicep. Start using words like "Phat" and "far out" and "dig" as in "I dig it" Trade my car in for a convertible and perhaps grow a mullet!...ok no mullet. Maybe I will go out and buy a skateboard and learn the halfpipe......well if you know me, you will certainly know that me on a skateboard doing the halfpipe is not only freightning but about as likely as george bush starting a hip hop career. I decided to ignore the feelings and move on with my night....I should have taken heed.
Some time passed and I was invited to a friends birthday dinner, it was a harmless wednesday night or so I thought. During dinner the service was so slow I had enough time to consume 2 bottles of wine to myself. I agree that was a tad excessive but let's move on. So after dinner we went to a bar down the street where I had a couple strong drinks, then the next thing I know we're going to another bar! what is this, I haven't "bar hopped" in years! It fucking sucks! you get comfortable, develop a rapore with your bartender and bang! all of a sudden you have to go. I was at the mercy of my friends obviously because I was no longer driving. At the next bar, I had a few more drinks and out of nowhere, it was decided that we would have an afterparty at a friends house. At the douchbag's house...ya the bartender!.....BIG mistake! So I'm thinking , cool , been a while since I have done that too! I'm gung ho and it's a freaking wednesday! I have saturday night fever! we get to my friends and after one drink I hit a wall!... done! I used to party till the sun came up, and I thought this was going to happen again, but as it turns out I was the first to crash out or should I say pass out. This would prove costly mistake on my part. I crash on the couch, no big deal, I trust my friends. I'm sure they were enjoying themselves and that's all that matters.....right??....right???....WRONG!!! DO NOT TRUST YOUR FRIENDS!!....
About 7am I awoke, parched and my mouth tasted like hot dog water. It felt like there was a horse standing on my head. I roll up off the floor...yup you read right, I awoke on the floor. and drag my ass to the bathroom. I take the world's longest piss, the whole time with my forehead on the back of the toilet. I run the faucet, my tongue feels like fur, I wash my hands and drink some of the cold water. I splash some water on my face as guilt begins to pour in. This will not last long as I look in the mirror.....SON OF A BITCH!! they wrote on my face!!! They drew a cat face in fucking permanent marker! You got to be kidding me!! I look like a bad kiss concert, and my tongue is dark purple! most likely because of the cheap red wine I drank the night before. I cannot begin to tell you the range of emotions that passes through your mind when you see something like that staring you back in the mirror. First the irritation of the hangover then the stunned surprise when you first see it. This is then followed by anger that you let this happen to yourself. You are mad! you want to know who did this? Deep down you know. Then as the anger subsides you can't help but laugh and appreciate a good prank. This laughter does not last long, it is followed by shame. The same shame I felt after the jello shots. Finally...revenge is on your mind. It's early, I'm the only one awake, hmmm what to do??? well I'm still thirsty so I will have a drink of water or juice and think about what to do. Then it hits me! Sabotage His beverages! So the cranberry juice was laced with tabasco, the water with more hot sauce, the milk with cesar dressing and the coke with worchestersire sauce or however you spell that! I got into my car with a small victory that I could only share with myself! It was a victory none the less. Unfortunetly we are not teenagers and he has a wife who had to suffer the guilt by association!....O ya, one more thing, I left in my fucking socks! Some idiot left wearing my shoes which were 4 sizes too big for him! Am I too old to act like this?? Has this behavior been deemed unacceptable for someone my age??..I don't know and I can't hear you because I am too busy getting my ear pierced and reving the engine of my new sportscar!
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