Some Assembly Required"

Now let me start by saying I am a relatively patient man. I mean I can "lose it" now and then, but it usually involves acts of major stupidity that lead to my inevitable frustration, and once I am in that state of non comprehension, the gloves are off!
Now frustration can rear its ugly head in many forms. There is the simple frustration one gets for example when say you are opening a jar that just will not open or perhaps you're fumbling for the key in the dark in the pouring rain outside your house. These, although inconvenient, are mild cases and at worst, will bring out the mumble of soft swear words under your breath such as ... shit come on or... you got to be kidding me. These frustrations aren't so bad because you know if you concentrate hard enough, it will come to an end.

Then there is the "medium frustration" which may find you perhaps physically responding by either "flipping someone off" or smacking a table or dashboard. These actions brought on by say for example, someone cutting you off on the road or better yet when talking on the phone with customer service reps who are located on the other side of the world in some non airconditioned building in Bangladesh, which is a way for major companies to save a buck and enables them to screw with your sanity. But eventually you calm down and forget about it.
Another example may be when you live with someone, either a room-mate, girlfriend or wife who constantly forgets to replace the toilet paper roll! After some cursing and contemplating using the cardboard empty roll, you come to your senses and do the embarrassed penguin walk over to get a fresh roll. But anger subsides and we move on with our day!

Today I am sitting in front of my screen thinking about a way to tell you about the most frustrating pain in the ass I have ever seen. I am talking about the "Allan key" Those of you who don't know what it is, it's a "L" shaped metal tool that for some reason people feel it can replace a whole tool box. It's "L" shaped because only Losers can think this is a useful tool!!...yup I said it! L is for Loser!! Nothing tests a man's patience, sanity and manhood like putting together a piece of furniture with that fuckin tiny piece of shit!!. I recently found myself in one of Canada's finest all purpose furniture stores, you know the ones, big and huge full of displays and aggressive salespeople. Why I was there I have no idea...I must have been drunk...anyway I had my eye on a nice wall unit, so I bought the damn thing and had it delivered the next day.

The box arrived at the house and I read a sticker on the box that read "some assembly required", I thought to myself, no big deal, I could handle this. I was fired up, excited about opening the box and getting this thing together. I grabbed my toolbox and ripped open the box. I grabbed the instructions, one paper, not a book! nice I was liking it already. The instructions were on a cheap faded photocopy, which was a bit weird, but no worries. It said I only needed the pieces in the box and the miracle tool "allan key", I thought to myself, "this will be a piece of cake. I spread the pieces A to K on the floor and open the bag of screws and nuts. trying to follow the instructions and the diagram I begin to piece it together. Piece by piece it is coming together, each attachment like a victory in battle! All this with the "Allan Key" sure my hand was now getting muscle cramps and blisters from using it and sure it takes twice as long as a regular screwdriver, but it was all coming together. The big pieces were assembled, I am begining to realize that this is "all assembly required" the clock shows I have been working on this thing for 2 hours. Time to speed up and put in shelves and handles. Something's wrong!! how the fuck am I supposed to squeeze through the little space provided to put in the screw? Who designed this thing? some skinny piece of shit sick bastard!! for over 30 minutes I struggle with the screw as thoughts of skipping it comes to my head. Just as I'm at my breaking point, it works. this process goes on for the next 4 screws. I'm getting pissed off now, this stupid tool is hurting my hand and I keep dropping the fucking thing cause I cannot get a proper grip. Who invented this thing?? Why don't they use regular screws so I can use my screwdriver, I am forced to use this stupid thing! I have hit the wall, at the point where there is a screw that will not cooperate. It has defeated me.
I'm standing on the other side of the room now staring at this incomplete piece of shit! I'm pacing back and forth threatening it as if it can hear me. I'm pointing at it yelling like some WWF wrestler before a match. I almost give it a dropkick, then a suplex but I pull myself together and wipe the sweat from my brow and get back at the torturous job of attaching the shelves. The first one I try won't work, I am really thinking about dowsing it in gasoline and lighting it on fire then stripping down to my underwear and curling up in the fetal position! Why has this itsy bitsy tool and it's fucking screws got the better of me! What is wrong with me? AM I really a man, a real man can put together a simple wall unit! the blood is boiling! the shirts been ripped off hulk hogan style, I'm screaming at this piece of junk and with my sanity on the line I take one last long look at it and............
I have a wall unit in my livingroom that holds only my TV and nothing else because it has no shelves and no handles!! and after a few months in a straight jacket and in a padded room I can enjoy it!